Start Early
[This photo shows the tracks left by my son Saturday night a week and a half ago as he sped off with his bride from the wedding reception to begin their honeymoon. I took the photo Monday morning.]
Thinking on yesterday’s post warning that “Births are not Well in Zion,” a number of things we could potentially do better came to mind, and I will elaborate on one: Start early.
Wise counsel I have heard a few times from a friend in our elders’ quorum meetings is: Whatever it is you want your children to know three years from now, talk to them about that now. If you want your daughter to be ready for and create opportunities to marry when she is 19, then talk with her about that when she is 16. If you want her when she is 16 to be properly friendly with boys, gaining experience with them that will help her when she is 19, then talk with her about that when she is 13. And 14, and 15. If you want your son to be willing to stick his neck out and court women, instead of retreating to video games and pornography, see to it that when he is 16 and 17 he gets ample experience spending some evenings with nice girls to know from his own experience that time with a woman is fulfilling, elevating, and manly. If you want him to stick his neck out when he is 16 to invite a girl out for an evening, then talk with him about that when he is 13. And 14, and 15.
To too great an extent parents and youth leaders are still treating pre-marital sex among teen-aged youth as the primary evil they have to thwart, but that has not been the case for a couple decades. Certainly, teach sexual chastity to the 13 year olds and 16 year olds as you and they discuss what they should be preparing to do in three years. Teach them about chastity as part of preparing them to enter situations, which they very much should enter, where they will need to keep hold of chastity as one of their values, situations that involve spending hours with those they are attracted to and are becoming familiar with. But if we train them to stay aloof from the opposite sex until they have returned from missions and can safely marry, then we end up with births of children in the church declining 25% in one decade. What we want our youth and young adults to do, prepare to marry by actively interacting chastely with the opposite sex, is counter to what all around them are doing. We are the only ones who will guide them in this path of being neither fleshy beasts nor arid ghosts, but whole souls.
E.C.
June 14, 2023
I feel like my oldest brother is doing a stellar job of this with his children. He did get a little worried that his eldest son wouldn’t serve a mission because of a girl, but that fear has since been resolved. He invited us all to his endowment last weekend, having received a mission call last month, which he seems genuinely excited for.
Unfortunately, when I was 14-15, I got terribly ill, and that continued until I was almost 19. I had no time or energy to practice dating – or do anything else but survive, really. Now, a decade later, all of the men I have met so far are either bitterly anti-woman, having met only career-focused ladies or those warped by our society’s culture to hate men, or Lost Boys who need to grow up. All of the good men seem already to be married.
I still have hope in the promises God has made to me, however, and He keeps telling me to be patient and longsuffering and wait, so that’s where I’m at right now.
On a side note, that picture reminds me of my younger brother’s wedding last year. He got tired of the reception, so after a couple hours of dancing, he picked his lovely bride up and carried her away (he did discuss this with her in advance).
Rozy
June 14, 2023
Why am I getting all this great counsel and advice after it’s too late for me to use it?
E.C. our daughter is having the same experience. Well, maybe even worse as she has met only one not married male in the past five years. There are none, absolutely none here in MN in her age group. I remember President Hinckley addressing, I think it was the Young Women, and said something like “Many of you will not marry in this life.” I guess he knew what he was talking about.
John Mansfield
June 14, 2023
In connection with my recently married son, he and his wife have been a couple since he was 17 and she was 15. When I realized that she was not yet 16, I considered telling him to wait until her birthday before continuing romance, but I am glad I did not. The current For the Strength of Youth pamphlet counsels “one-on-one activities should be postponed until you are mature — age 16 is a good guideline.” We now ordain priests who will be 16 some months from now, and if my daughter is invited out on a date a few months before she is 16, I will consider allowing her to accept. “Erring on the side of caution” can mean different choices depending on what we need to be most cautious about. Between either excesssive, too early or insufficient, too late steps toward future marriage, insufficient and too late looks like the more widespread problem in this day.
G.
June 14, 2023
John, wonderful advice and such a great picture.
E.C., Rozy, praying for you and yours. Daughter number one Is signing up for keeper.ai on a bit of a lark. If it proves to be as different from the normal string of dating sites as they say we will let you know