Neglected Christmas Traditions

This Christmas the JG is honoring forgotten Christmas traditions of yore that have unfairly fallen by the wayside.

Absent Calendars

This fun tradition is simple and easy. Simply remove your calendars. Voila! Instant cheer.

Dissing under the Missile Tow

This Christmas, make your way over to your local truck-hauled missile launcher (we suggest a HIMARS), sidle up to the hauler, and really let the illegitimi know what you think of them. Dis away in the fine old festive style.

While rap-battle disses are always appropriate, this year Shakespearean insults are trending. Give them a try.

But in any case, abide the custom, an ye be not a scapegrace poltroon!

Guelph on the Pelf

Here are step by step instructions to enjoy this holiday classic to the fullest.

1. Approach one of your neighborhood medieval north Italian supporters of the papacy to ask them to do the honors. Pick someone light, you will be hefting them!

2. Assemble the pelf. Jewelry is distinctive, but those lending their ornaments to the pile should still take a pic for easy identification afterwards. Coinage is more difficult to identify and its best practice to have a designated neighbor keep track of who heaves what gold and what silver onto the heap.

3. Carry the Guelph on your shoulders down the street while chanting hallowed anti-Ghibelline slogans such as “Every Papal State is first rate” and “We are reppin’ the Donation of Pepin.”*

4. In the crowning act of this yule tradition, place the Guelph on the pile of assembled treasure.

5. Don’t forget the hot chocolate!

*The familiar chant many of us remember from our childhoods, “Dante Alighieri is really quite scary,” has been rejected by scholars as not authentic.