Junior Ganymede
We endeavor to give satisfaction

Worst English poet ever?

February 14th, 2013 by Vader

infogalactic‘ suggested candidate: William McGonagall      

I’ve read worse, but not from anyone over the age of 18 who wasn’t deliberately trying to write awful poetry.Such as this:

I’m just a little black dachshund,

Running in circles around the yard.

I am a very fast dachshund,

Keeping up with me is very hard.

Everyone knows that young dachshunds

Don’t come housebroken — O what a trip!

I’m circling around,

Nose to the ground,

Wondering where I will drip!

The author, a good friend of mine who understandably prefers to remain anonymous, comments that “I believe the technical term for poetry composed in honor of the new family pet is doggerel.” Which is a strong hint that the awfulness is deliberate.

Likewise his adaptation of a certain Primary song:

We’re so glad when Daddy comes home,

Glad as we can be!

Run in circles, bark for joy,

And dance upon his knee!

Do the humble doggie crouch,

Give his shoes a piss,

Jump into his face to give

A doggie kiss!

I am of the opinion that my friend is altogether too attached to his dachshunds. Though, in my more cynical moments, I am also of the opinion that this is still an improvement on the original.

His sister prefers to rewrite hymns. Such as:

And we hear the desert singing,

Carrion! Carrion! Carrion!

They are a strange family. Though you may think that’s a case of the Sith calling the Jedi black.

Comments (4)
Filed under: Brilliantly Lit,Deseret Review,There are monkey-boys in the facility | Tags: , , ,
February 14th, 2013 09:15:21

Pecos Bill
February 14, 2013

I reckon I could warm to them lyrics. There’m been many a times I stilled myself to listen up to the sweet warblin’ voice of Nacher, and what Nacher liked to say was, “You’re dead meat.”

February 14, 2013

I like to add “in the shower” to hymn titles. As in singing in the shower.

Have you ever sang “Behold a royal army” in the shower?

Have you ever sang “We thank the for a prophet” in the shower?

Have you ever sang “Families can be together forever” in the shower?

Interesting how quotation marks are not obvious in the spoken word.

Ben Pratt
February 15, 2013

The dachshund poem is clearly based on the ditty Winnie-the-Pooh once sang, “I’m just a little black rain cloud.”

Richard Sherman
February 15, 2013


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