“Happy Halloween from the CPSC”

Making Halloween blandly safe. Warning: Reason is not known for genteel speech in its comments sections, though the articles themselves are usually okay.  

I usually don’t bother with a costume for Halloween, but I’m pretty sure that even my normal dress violates a lot of these suggestions.

• For greater visibility during dusk and darkness, decorate or trim costumes with reflective tape that will glow in the beam of a car’s headlights. Bags or sacks should also be light colored or decorated with reflective tape. Reflective tape is usually available in hardware, bicycle, and sporting goods stores.

My normal dress flagrantly violates this visible-in-the-dark rule. But I’m not fond of the alternative.

• To easily see and be seen, children should also carry flashlights.

Leaving aside the implication that adults are fine without them, I imagine an ignited light saber is probably good enough.

• Costumes should be short enough to prevent children from tripping and falling.

Mine is crown of head to soles of feet, plus a cape. Clear violation.

• Children should wear well-fitting, sturdy shoes . Mother’ s high heels are not a good idea for safe walking.

My boots are probably okay. And my mother never wore high heels.

• Hats and scarfs should be tied securely to prevent them from slipping over children’s eyes.

The hat is hermetically sealed in place. I guess that means I’m good. (Figurately speaking.)

• Apply a natural mask of cosmetics rather than have a child wear a loose-fitting mask that might restrict breathing or obscure vision. If a mask is used, however, make sure it fits securely and has eyeholes large enough to allow full vision.

My mask is certainly secure and its eyeholes are frighteningly large. I really don’t know how to answer the question of whether it restricts my breathing: My breathing is certainly labored, but without the mask I wouldn’t be breathing at all.

• Swords, knives, and similar costume accessories should be of soft and flexible material.

My lightsaber blatantly violates this one.

So I suppose I should just spend Halloween in the meditation chamber, where it’s uncluttered and well-lit. Meanwhile I expect His Majesty’s dog will be chasing the kids off the porch.